Saturday, April 8, 2017

Why us?

Lately I've been stuck in a 'why us?' phase. Our entire life has been backwards. Generally you finish school, marry and have a family. We started with babies, then came our marriage, and now we're both tackling school. It makes for such an exhausting time.

I'm currently watching all my wonderful friends buy homes and have more kiddos while we're stuck in school. We live two hours apart, each with our own struggles. It's like we live two completely different lives and cross paths every other weekend.

We talk less than 30 minutes each day if we're lucky. There's never enough time to discuss the things that are really nagging at us. There's always some distraction that's keeping information from being relayed and retained.        

I know in two years we'll both be done with school and in a better place. But why us? Why are we stuck in miserable lives?

I look back on military life constantly. The thought of going back to it makes me feel a bit more happy. Can it really solve our problems though? Yes, we'll be together momentarily and we can continue to grow our family, but it will all be sour. A deployment will always be on the horizon. Our Daddy will always be absent for an extended amount of time.

I have this clouded vision of how it would be. For some odd reason I keep telling myself that I'd make friends to help me through it. I spent four years in VA and never made a 'best friend'. I couldn't get comfortable with anyone. I never really felt like wrangling my children at people's homes and conversations felt forced. Social awkwardness is my strong suit.

I can keep playing this all out in my head and hoping for an answer. I have yet to find one. I feel like such a sour person sometimes. I can't feel genuinely happy for someone without feeling sad for us. That could be us. I wish I had some catchy quote to make this a bit more upbeat, but I regret to admit that I don't. I'd love to give advice to other people having these feelings, but I have little to offer. I spend my days wrapped up in an internal argument, hoping that things will brighten sooner than planned. One day it will be us, I just hope that I can recall these feelings and be humble with onlookers.

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