January 2016... the month I made the move back to Florida with an 18 month old and a 3.5 year old. I was trying my damndest to be brave. I wanted too better myself so bad. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t know it would end up taking two and a half years.
Fast forward to now, April 2018. I have less than a month left in nursing school and it’s still just as hard as the beginning. For example, Wednesday I have 450 questions and nearly 40 paragraphs do. I also have a proctored online exam and my last unit exam too take. Every week is crammed full of homework and test with no breaks. I try to remind myself of all the knowledge that I’ve gained. I went into this knowing nothing and now I can confidently stroll in a room and educate my patient on most common diseases and drugs. I have a wealth of useful and useless knowledge to thank the past two and a half years for, but school isn’t the only difficult part about life.
I’ve spent this time struggling with my children. It’s like my husband is on an extended deployment with short weekend visits home. This really takes a toll on us all. The kiddos have the worst attitudes. It’s always a fight to get them to eat a normal dinner or a tantrum when I want them to come inside. Don’t you dare ask B to do anything... you might get a nasty snarl and a high tempered remark. Jo is quick to burst and won’t hesitate to ball his fist up and yell in anger. School work is a struggle with B. Its a fight every night to get his homework done and a lecture about handwriting every day. The feelings I get from watching my children struggle are hard to cope with. I’m quick to anger and end up lecturing them on how things should have been done. It’s upsetting to watch them with other kids their age. It’s hard not to compare them and it’s easy to forget their life struggles.
Tonight I’m feeling a bit resentful. Im hating myself for wanting to expand my horizons. I just want to go back to our small little military house on the cul-de-sac. I want the long weekends spent exploring and the quick ice cream trips. I have to keep reminding myself that some day this will all pay off, and my kids will have something more normal. We’ve worked too hard to give up now.