Friday, April 21, 2017

My little four eyes

This four eyes babe is the absolute cutest. I get comments all the time about his glasses. People always want to know how we know and when he actually got them. Our story is rather interesting comparatively speaking. 

I had no clue that Bird even needed glasses. He wasn't exhibiting the normal signs of weak eye sight (headaches, blinking, rubbing his eyes, needing to be close up), but he was only 12 months at the time. We were at his yearly check up and the nurse brought in a device that was painted like a penguin. She shut the lights off and took a few photos of him. At this point I still had no clue what the device was or what they were doing. Shortly after the doctor came in with printed pictures of Bird's eyes. The device was designed to take up close pictures of the eye and assess for myopia and hyperopia (near and farsighted). The near sighted pictures were meant to have a gold color from the middle of the eye down and the far sighted pictures were meant to have gold on a vertical plane. Bird's near sighted pictures showed his entire eye as gold. I was in shock! I was extremely upset to find out Bird needed glasses. I didn't want my baby to need them his entire life and I never much cared for the look either. 

I thought the next process would be a quick one. We were given a list of child Opthamologist in the area that accepted our insurance. I called every single one and found out we wouldn't be getting in for another six months! How crazy is that!? Once we finally got into a Dr we found out that Bird was +7.50 in his right eye and +5.75 in his left eye. That's an extremely big deficit when it comes to vision. We quickly ordered his glasses and very impatiently waited for them to arrive. I can recall the day he put them on like it was yesterday. He was looking out the window of the vision center and said "Meme and Bubbie". I guess I never realized just how blind he really was. I didn't know that he couldn't see the sky until he began pointing out birds and planes. 

I'm use to his glasses now and I can't imagine his sweet face without them. Any time I see another toddler in glasses I can't help but smile. I realize that they too struggle with glasses and will probably need them for the rest of their lives. 

His glasses aren't fake or dress up. They're something he needs every day in order to see the beauty around him. Be kind to him and others with vision impairments. You never know when it might him close to home. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

Falling out of love

A good marriage isn't something you find; it's something you make... and you have to keep on making it. 

    -Gary Thomas 

Truer words have never been spoken. Too many our marriage looks perfect. Social media does a great job at cloaking the flaws in everything. Over the years I've learned to keep our issues close. I'd rather deal with things internally than lay it out for the world to see. 

This past year has been especially difficult on me. I am emotionally tattered and just plain exhausted. My attitude and the distance  has definitely taken a toll on us. 

There has been many times that I didn't feel 'in love'. I've felt void and empty on quite a few occasions and spent a few long drives to VA very unexcited.

 I'm no longer ashamed of these feelings. They're 100% normal and can be repaired. It's naive to think that an eternity can be spent without a few bad times.

The honeymoon phase will definitely come and go. Marriage is a delicate thing that takes nutrturing to stay strong. I've spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our marriage and what I can do to make it the best it can be. 

#1 I've tried to stop tearing my husband down. He's only human and humans aren't perfect. We all make mistakes or lose touch with things at times.

#2  I  attempt to touch base with his feelings every day. Asking someone how they feel only takes a moment and can make them feel like gold. 

#3 I try to ask what I can do to make his day better every day. Most days he'll say nothing, but it's really the thought that counts.

#4 every day I try to say kind words to him and think of the things I really love about him. Reminding yourself why you married someone can create butterflies rather quickly.

#5 I vocalize what's bothering me. Internalizing things will only make the feelings grow. It's important to let someone know when you aren't feeling good in the current situation. 

I know these things seem rather small, but they really help to remind me how great my husband is. I couldn't be more happy in my marriage. I was lucky enough to find a man that's extremely understanding and faithful. He knows that my moods are temporary and that I need emotional reassurance often. 

You may always love someone, but you might not always be in love. Don't give up on your significant other just because the butterflies are gone. Nurture your love and think of all the positive aspects that are present in your life. Marriages can be saved if we give them the appropriate amount of time. 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Why us?

Lately I've been stuck in a 'why us?' phase. Our entire life has been backwards. Generally you finish school, marry and have a family. We started with babies, then came our marriage, and now we're both tackling school. It makes for such an exhausting time.

I'm currently watching all my wonderful friends buy homes and have more kiddos while we're stuck in school. We live two hours apart, each with our own struggles. It's like we live two completely different lives and cross paths every other weekend.

We talk less than 30 minutes each day if we're lucky. There's never enough time to discuss the things that are really nagging at us. There's always some distraction that's keeping information from being relayed and retained.        

I know in two years we'll both be done with school and in a better place. But why us? Why are we stuck in miserable lives?

I look back on military life constantly. The thought of going back to it makes me feel a bit more happy. Can it really solve our problems though? Yes, we'll be together momentarily and we can continue to grow our family, but it will all be sour. A deployment will always be on the horizon. Our Daddy will always be absent for an extended amount of time.

I have this clouded vision of how it would be. For some odd reason I keep telling myself that I'd make friends to help me through it. I spent four years in VA and never made a 'best friend'. I couldn't get comfortable with anyone. I never really felt like wrangling my children at people's homes and conversations felt forced. Social awkwardness is my strong suit.

I can keep playing this all out in my head and hoping for an answer. I have yet to find one. I feel like such a sour person sometimes. I can't feel genuinely happy for someone without feeling sad for us. That could be us. I wish I had some catchy quote to make this a bit more upbeat, but I regret to admit that I don't. I'd love to give advice to other people having these feelings, but I have little to offer. I spend my days wrapped up in an internal argument, hoping that things will brighten sooner than planned. One day it will be us, I just hope that I can recall these feelings and be humble with onlookers.