Does It Ever End?

January 2016... the month I made the move back to Florida with an 18 month old and a 3.5 year old. I was trying my damndest to be brave. I wanted too better myself so bad. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t know it would end up taking two and a half years. 

Fast forward to now, April 2018. I have less than a month left in nursing school and it’s still just as hard as the beginning. For example, Wednesday I have 450 questions and nearly 40 paragraphs do. I also have a proctored online exam and my last unit exam too take. Every week is crammed full of homework and test with no breaks. I try to remind myself of all the knowledge that I’ve gained. I went into this knowing nothing and now I can confidently stroll in a room and educate my patient on most common diseases and drugs. I have a wealth of useful and useless knowledge to thank the past two and a half years for, but school isn’t the only difficult part about life. 

I’ve spent this time struggling with my children. It’s like my husband is on an extended deployment with short weekend visits home. This really takes a toll on us all. The kiddos have the worst attitudes. It’s always a fight to get them to eat a normal dinner or a tantrum when I want them to come inside. Don’t you dare ask B to do anything... you might get a nasty snarl and a high tempered remark. Jo is quick to burst and won’t hesitate to ball his fist up and yell in anger. School work is a struggle with B. Its a fight every night to get his homework done and a lecture about handwriting every day. The feelings I get from watching my children struggle are hard to cope with. I’m quick to anger and end up lecturing them on how things should have been done. It’s upsetting to watch them with other kids their age. It’s hard not to compare them and it’s easy to forget their life struggles. 

Tonight I’m feeling a bit resentful. Im hating myself for wanting to expand my horizons. I just want to go back to our small little military house on the cul-de-sac. I want the long weekends spent exploring and the quick ice cream trips. I have to keep reminding myself that some day this will all pay off, and my kids will have something more normal. We’ve worked too hard to give up now. 

The Hardest Part of Nursing School

Are the test hard? What's the hardest part?

These are questions I get asked nearly every week. My answer has most definitely changed through out this process. 

During my first semester I likely would have told you the test were the hardest part. If not the test I would have answered the style of questions.

At this point I've been through FOUR semesters of school. Each one has brought a different challenge for me. I've experienced clinical set backs, not so great attitudes and even failure.

If someone were to ask my today what the hardest part was I would reply with two separate answers. 

1. Seeing my fellow classmates not succeed to the next semester

2. Watching fellow classmates move on

  

These answers are very personal at this point. In the four semesters I've experienced, I've seen multiple classmates drop out. I've shed some tears for each one of them. Friendships happen so quickly in school and you never imagine not graduating with each and every smiling face that surrounds you. These people become your family in a short period of time. You're with them nearly every day and you can't avoid becoming personal with all of them. Small inside jokes leave you giggling for hours while others stare at you like you're crazy. Your teachers know you've become best friends and they do everything they can to help you branch out to and talk to your other classmates. 

And suddenly they're gone. Even with all your attempts to stay in touch, you barely speak. You're both so busy in life that you never see each other. It's a sad reality that comes along with school.

Not everyone will experience their classmates moving on. I'm not ashamed to admit that I failed. I gained a lot of knowledge from a second chance and I will carry it with me. The extreme downside is watching my friends advance. I'm elated for each and everyone of them, but I'm also a bit bitter. That could be me... I could be graduating in TWO months. I spent plenty of time shedding tears and beating myself up over my failure. Each and every time I see their post on social media I can't help but feel jealous. I want to be in their position so bad. 

I love them so much though. They all deserve this success and I couldn't be happier for them. It's a hectic battle raging inside of me. I will attend their pinning and cheer each one of them on until the very end. They're bright young women and will become the greatest nurses. They've all been so humble and caring on their journeys and I can't wait to see where life carries them.

If you're in Nursing school, remember that it's all about what you make of it. You have every right to have a rainbow of emotions weekly. You're life is a tough one and soon you'll be rewarded with an amazing feat. Keep striving and don't let anything dim your light. Your friends will always have your back.

 

Nursing School

Here we are, semester three of nursing school. 

I wish I could say I was less stressed and finally figuring it out, but I'm not. I feel more confused than ever at this point. I'm totally rocking my OB class. I wasn't nervous about it at all. 

My adult med surg class is kicking my ass as well as my classmate's. I feel like I have it down and the test will be about something completely different. I knew when I started this that the instructors wouldn't all test the same. I knew they wouldn't be straight forward, but I never dreamed that it would be so far off in left field.

Thankfully not all is bad, we've had some really great weeks. We've lifted each other up through clinicals and cracked jokes throughout lectures. 

 

We spent Monday at a leadership/team building camp. We all thought we were going to kill each other. We ended up on a super great team and got things done. We worked together and prevailed on multiple challenges. I had a blast and I'm so glad we kept good attitudes.

 

OB clinicals were another high of the semester. I spent two days in labor and delivery and experience three births. It was amazing to cheer other women on when they brought a ray of sunshine into the world. I shed a few of my own tears for each family. I'm always in awe over births and women's strength. It's definitely hard to stay professional with the babies though. I would to cuddle and sniff each one of them. I managed to avoid it, but you all know babies are the best.

I've made the best friends and I have a year full of memories to review. Nursing school is one of the best decisions I've ever made. It hasn't been easy, but it has been extremely rewarding.