Does It Ever End?

January 2016... the month I made the move back to Florida with an 18 month old and a 3.5 year old. I was trying my damndest to be brave. I wanted too better myself so bad. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t know it would end up taking two and a half years. 

Fast forward to now, April 2018. I have less than a month left in nursing school and it’s still just as hard as the beginning. For example, Wednesday I have 450 questions and nearly 40 paragraphs do. I also have a proctored online exam and my last unit exam too take. Every week is crammed full of homework and test with no breaks. I try to remind myself of all the knowledge that I’ve gained. I went into this knowing nothing and now I can confidently stroll in a room and educate my patient on most common diseases and drugs. I have a wealth of useful and useless knowledge to thank the past two and a half years for, but school isn’t the only difficult part about life. 

I’ve spent this time struggling with my children. It’s like my husband is on an extended deployment with short weekend visits home. This really takes a toll on us all. The kiddos have the worst attitudes. It’s always a fight to get them to eat a normal dinner or a tantrum when I want them to come inside. Don’t you dare ask B to do anything... you might get a nasty snarl and a high tempered remark. Jo is quick to burst and won’t hesitate to ball his fist up and yell in anger. School work is a struggle with B. Its a fight every night to get his homework done and a lecture about handwriting every day. The feelings I get from watching my children struggle are hard to cope with. I’m quick to anger and end up lecturing them on how things should have been done. It’s upsetting to watch them with other kids their age. It’s hard not to compare them and it’s easy to forget their life struggles. 

Tonight I’m feeling a bit resentful. Im hating myself for wanting to expand my horizons. I just want to go back to our small little military house on the cul-de-sac. I want the long weekends spent exploring and the quick ice cream trips. I have to keep reminding myself that some day this will all pay off, and my kids will have something more normal. We’ve worked too hard to give up now. 

Falling out of love

A good marriage isn't something you find; it's something you make... and you have to keep on making it. 

    -Gary Thomas 

Truer words have never been spoken. Too many our marriage looks perfect. Social media does a great job at cloaking the flaws in everything. Over the years I've learned to keep our issues close. I'd rather deal with things internally than lay it out for the world to see. 

This past year has been especially difficult on me. I am emotionally tattered and just plain exhausted. My attitude and the distance  has definitely taken a toll on us. 

There has been many times that I didn't feel 'in love'. I've felt void and empty on quite a few occasions and spent a few long drives to VA very unexcited.

 I'm no longer ashamed of these feelings. They're 100% normal and can be repaired. It's naive to think that an eternity can be spent without a few bad times.

The honeymoon phase will definitely come and go. Marriage is a delicate thing that takes nutrturing to stay strong. I've spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our marriage and what I can do to make it the best it can be. 

#1 I've tried to stop tearing my husband down. He's only human and humans aren't perfect. We all make mistakes or lose touch with things at times.

#2  I  attempt to touch base with his feelings every day. Asking someone how they feel only takes a moment and can make them feel like gold. 

#3 I try to ask what I can do to make his day better every day. Most days he'll say nothing, but it's really the thought that counts.

#4 every day I try to say kind words to him and think of the things I really love about him. Reminding yourself why you married someone can create butterflies rather quickly.

#5 I vocalize what's bothering me. Internalizing things will only make the feelings grow. It's important to let someone know when you aren't feeling good in the current situation. 

I know these things seem rather small, but they really help to remind me how great my husband is. I couldn't be more happy in my marriage. I was lucky enough to find a man that's extremely understanding and faithful. He knows that my moods are temporary and that I need emotional reassurance often. 

You may always love someone, but you might not always be in love. Don't give up on your significant other just because the butterflies are gone. Nurture your love and think of all the positive aspects that are present in your life. Marriages can be saved if we give them the appropriate amount of time. 

Why us?

Lately I've been stuck in a 'why us?' phase. Our entire life has been backwards. Generally you finish school, marry and have a family. We started with babies, then came our marriage, and now we're both tackling school. It makes for such an exhausting time.

I'm currently watching all my wonderful friends buy homes and have more kiddos while we're stuck in school. We live two hours apart, each with our own struggles. It's like we live two completely different lives and cross paths every other weekend.

We talk less than 30 minutes each day if we're lucky. There's never enough time to discuss the things that are really nagging at us. There's always some distraction that's keeping information from being relayed and retained.        

I know in two years we'll both be done with school and in a better place. But why us? Why are we stuck in miserable lives?

I look back on military life constantly. The thought of going back to it makes me feel a bit more happy. Can it really solve our problems though? Yes, we'll be together momentarily and we can continue to grow our family, but it will all be sour. A deployment will always be on the horizon. Our Daddy will always be absent for an extended amount of time.

I have this clouded vision of how it would be. For some odd reason I keep telling myself that I'd make friends to help me through it. I spent four years in VA and never made a 'best friend'. I couldn't get comfortable with anyone. I never really felt like wrangling my children at people's homes and conversations felt forced. Social awkwardness is my strong suit.

I can keep playing this all out in my head and hoping for an answer. I have yet to find one. I feel like such a sour person sometimes. I can't feel genuinely happy for someone without feeling sad for us. That could be us. I wish I had some catchy quote to make this a bit more upbeat, but I regret to admit that I don't. I'd love to give advice to other people having these feelings, but I have little to offer. I spend my days wrapped up in an internal argument, hoping that things will brighten sooner than planned. One day it will be us, I just hope that I can recall these feelings and be humble with onlookers.